Introducing The Com. Poste

Opinionated has decided to get into the news industry.  That’s right, news.  News, as in politics, and celebrities, and world events.  But don’t worry, it won’t be like all those other news sources that tell you a bunch of total nonsense and try to pass it off as the truth.  No, instead of lying to you and deceiving you into believing completely erroneous and ridiculous news segments, we’re going to do something much more interesting and effective.  We’re going to tell you the most absurd, insane, insipid, stupid, false, deceiving, and misleading load of trash, and pass it on in typical, satirical fashion.  Yeah, yeah, I know I’m ruining the joke by telling you the punch line, but I’d rather it lose some of its humor than look like a total moron to anyone who reads this blog.  So, without any further ado, it is my pleasure and privilege to introduce The Com. Poste, Opinionated’s latest in advanced online newspaper technology.

The Com. Poste

Oscars Pizza-guy Edgar Really a Russian Spy?                                                           Ukraine Violence Escalates

  ^{Article by Moe Ronnick                                                                             Article by Moe Ronnick} 

Of all the various headlines that stormed papers and the in-                                                      After the Ukrainian rebels drove  
ternet, from Ellen’s group selfie to Matthew McCon-                                                                 their president, Viktor Yanu-
aughey’s questionable acceptance speech, the most strik-                                                         kovich from the country, many
ing story was that of the pizza delivery man who deliv-                                                             breathed a sigh of relief, believing
ered pizza to the hungry attendees of the 86th annual                                                                 the brief civil war to have ended,
Academy Awards ceremony.  Ellen Degeneres ordered                                                               only to learn that Russia had taken

over twenty pizzas for the famished celebrities, amount-                                                            action, invading Crimea, a pro-

to a whopping one thousand dollar tip that she purport-                                                             vence of Ukraine.  The United 

edly had to collect from the other celebs at the ceremony                                                           States have yet to release an offi-

by passing around Pharrell's famed cowboy hat.  But                                                                   cial statement on their stance con- could putting himself in the spotlight have endangered                                                              cerning the Ukrainian crisis.  Ten-
the pizza man, later identified as Edgar Martirosyan?                                                                  sions run high in Ukraine and the
Edgar, an employee of Big Mama's and Papa's Pizze-                                                                   U.S. as violence escalates in Cri-
ria could possibly be a Russian spy an official notice                                                                  mea, Ukraine
says.  Edgar had made several allusions to his Russian 
heritage during his interview on the Ellen show, at one point talking of how he had watched all of Julia Roberts films back in Moscow.  U.S. officials have stated their concern that Edgar may be a spy sent from Russia to ensure America’s inaction on the recent Ukraine affair (see above).  Most experts on the subject have tried to refute the rumor, claiming that if he were truly a Russian spy, he would not have brought so much attention to himself.  Whether it is true or not, the theory has spread like wildfire, making its way across the internet, newspapers, and even word of mouth.  “I was shocked. I didn’t know it was going to be something like this. It was really crazy,” said Edgar in response to the rumors surrounding his possible Russian allegiance.  He denied participating in any Russian spying activities and refuted having any relation to the Ukrainian crisis.  Other theorists responded, noting that Martirosyan volunteered to deliver the pizzas and have requested the Dolby Theater be searched for any suspicious items that may have been left behind by the pizza man.  Edgar Martirosyan is currently undergoing further questioning from authorities, and is expected to revisit the Ellen show to clear up the current controversy. 

Ordinary pizza worker, or Russian spy?

Oscars Prove Racism is Alive and Well

Article by Anne Gree & Ray Sizzum 

After years of clever disguise and camouflage, the Academy Awards have finally come out as the racist bigots they are.  Many questionable choices were made at the 86th Oscar awards.  Among the most notable of these choices were the awards given to Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto as opposed to Chiwetel Ejiofor and Barkhad Abdi respectively.  Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto’s back-to-back wins just show the Academy’s favoritism towards Dallas Buyer’s Club, despite their claims to be non-biased.  Chiwetel Ejiofor’s performance in Twelve Years a Slave was moving beyond belief, and had audiences in tears throughout the duration of the film, proving how much he deserved the best leading actor award.  And Barkhad Abdi stunned audiences as the cunning and ruthless Abduwali Musem, clearly earning him the best supporting actor award, but he as well was snubbed.  Another point of debate was the Academy’s choice not to nominate Lee Daniel’s The Butler for best picture, or any of its actors for their performances.  Steve McQueen was also rejected by both the Oscars and Golden Globes, which stirred up controversy of their own, passing over Elba and Ejiofor, Abdi, and Nyong’o.  All these are signs that racism has not yet been eradicated from our society, and that social and racial prejudice still effect our decisions as a modern people.  

Classifieds

People/Relationships          Jobs                  Stocks              MISSING!:

Wanted: A boy-                                        Wanted: Someone                              Obamacare (DUMB):                       NAME:              SEX:

friend to break-up                                     to take my place                                 Sales plummet in the                       Guy Parson       Male

with so I can get                                        as head of Obama-                              first term as technical                      DOB:               RACE: 

on with writing                                          care.  I'm in way                                  troubles assail the web-                   Jul. 14 1942    White

my next hit single.                                    over my head!!!                                   site's launch.                                      MISSING:       HAIR:

Posted by: Taylor Swift                                   Posted by: Kathleen Sebelius                                                                                 Dec. 12 1956  White

3/07/14  9:16 A.M.                                        When was I hired?                                  Google (GOOG):                                AGE NOW:     EYES:

                                                                                                   Revenue plummets                            71                     Blind 

Wanted: Some                                            Wanted: A boy-                                 due to the dramatic 

Generic Mugshot
of
Guy Parson

guy that I can                                              friend to break-up                             failure of the recent 

have a dramatic                                           with so I can get                                lease of Google Glass.

break-up with,                                             on with writing 

so I can write a                                            my next hit single.

song about it.                                               Pays well!!!                               

Posted by: Kelly Clarkston                        Posted by: Taylor Swift                                

3/07/14  10:33 A.M.                                        3/07/14  9:31 A.M.             

Wanted: Umm… 

A girl who isn't

going to dump 

me so that she

can write some

new song…

Preferably someone

pretty…

Posted by: Someone smart

3/07/14  11:29 A.M.