The Imprudent Prince

  This should be a nice break from the monotony of movie review after movie review.  I wrote this story several months back for my Classical Writing class.  It's a slant narrative (a story told from a certain character's point of view) of the popular faerie-tale "The Princess and the Pea" told from the views of the "princess" and the "prince".  As my whole family enjoyed the story, I decided I'd post it here for all the world to read.  Please enjoy!

The Imprudent Prince…

(or the princess and the pea)

A hilarious rendition of the classic faerie tale

(Warning: Extreme sarcasm throughout)

Part 1: The Thief

  I stumble through the stormy night. I can hear the horses and guards from the neighboring country searching for me. I’ve been a wanted criminal and thief ever since I stole that blasted crown from the princess of some great country or another. I pull my ragged cloak closer around me and steal into the forest surrounding the road just in time and see the cavalry ride by in search of me. I decide to continue on through the forest in search of a different route to the nearest castle.
 

  An hour later I come upon a wide road and after following it for a while longer, come to a 

large castle. I give a loud rap on the huge door.

  

  “Who is it?” asks a loud voice on the other side of the door. I sigh. Why do these people always ask who’s there as though it makes any difference?

  “The high crown princess of England!” I yell back sarcastically, like she would ever visit this dump. (No, really, I met her once. A very gullible character as I remember.)
  

  “Really?” the door opens to reveal some old guy wearing a crown, the king I’m willing to bet. The old geezer ushers me in. “Please, please, come right in… Uh… are you sure you’re a princess?” he asks taking in my dirty torn clothes.
 

  I pause before answering, weighing just how foolish these royals might be. “Yeah,” I say, “pretty sure. I… Umm… err… fell off my… uh… horse…” It’s a pretty lame excuse but I doubt that anyone in this castle will question it.

  “Oh… Ok… Uh… so long as you’re a princess…” he says haltingly looking at just about everything in the large hallway but me.
 

 Eventually I feel can no longer wait around patiently, and ask rather brusquely “Do you have any food?”
 

 “Oh! Yes… Uh… come with me… Umm… Are sure you don’t want to clean up first?” he looks at me for the first time since he opened the door.

  I give him a long look before rolling my eyes and answering, “No. I don’t want to clean up first. I want to eat.” Casting a long last look at the deteriorated state of my clothes he leads me down the hallway with some more “Umm’s” and “Uh’s” into a large dining hall with a table at least a hundred feet long at which are seated a whole two people: one) a rather large, pompous looking man of maybe thirty years old, and two) another, just as large, old woman chowing down at least four different plates of food at once.
  

  The old king cleared his throat quietly and called equally quietly across the hall, “Umm… this is the high crown princess of England. Uh… she has decided to join us- , he cleared his throat again, “-for dinner.”
 

  “A princess eh? We’ll see about that!” the old queen says, obviously trying to sound ominous, but failing miserably due to the fact that her mouth is full of food. The prince just stares at me, his mouth hanging open, the food within exposed to the world.

  
  I sit down in the chair closest to me, which, incidentally, happens to be on the opposite end from where everyone else is sitting. I shovel food into my mouth briefly wondering why there is food all along the table even though there were only three people at the table when I arrived. I notice that the obese prince is staring at me and that, if possible, his mouth has opened even wider.

  After dinner, the queen leads me down another hallway, and along the way, I learn that she is just as incompetent at speaking intelligently as her husband. When we finally reach my bedroom for the night, I can’t help but wondering what’s wrong with this family. In the middle of the room where I would expect there to be a bed, is a stack of mattresses rising almost all the way to the ceiling.  No, really, a giant stack of mattress upon mattress… What were they thinking!?
  

  “Well, here’s where you’ll be sleeping during your stay here. I hope you sleep well,” the queen says, probably trying to sound ominous again, but her voice is really much too high-pitched for it. She leaves the room and I’m left to climb up the mattress tower. To my surprise, the mattress tower is actually very comfortable and I have no difficulty falling to sleep.
 

  The next morning, I wake up from a good night’s sleep, climb down the teetering tower of mattresses, and wander around the castle halls for an hour or so before finally finding the dining hall. Once again I sit at the opposite end of the table from the strange and overweight family and begin to eat.
 

  “Soooo… How did you sleep?” asks the queen, her voice once again failing to spook me.
 

  I give her a long cross-eyed look before deciding how to respond. Abandoning any courtesy or formalities I might have been using before, I decide that I’m done staying in this castle (and probably even this country). “Terrible,” I say, stressing the word far more than necessary, voice dripping with sarcasm. Their reaction is far from what I expected, and they start screaming and yelling to each other in what I think is joy, but it’s hard to tell with this bunch. Before I know what’s happening the prince is down on one knee in front of me and asks me to marry him. I can tell it’s going to be a long time before I’m able to get out of this castle.

Part 2: The Prince

  Just another imposter I think as Mother chases the latest in a series of fake princesses trying to win my hand out the door and into the storm. I do wish a real princess would show up to whom I could offer my hand in marriage. My parents and I, cleaver as we are, have set up a lot of tests for someone hoping to marry me to pass. She must show proper manners at the door, eat properly at the dinner table, and must be so particular that she could feel a single pea through a hundred mattresses. Many princesses have tried to win my hand but not a single one has passed the tests.
  

  Mother returns to the dinner table, having chased the fake princess off. “That one was no good. A total faker!” she says pulling a few plates closer to her.
 

  “Uh… yes, very… Umm… very clear she was a faker,” says Dad bobbing his head up and down.
 

  I raise my fork to my mouth only to be interrupted by a loud knocking sound that can only be someone knocking of the door. Dad gets up slowly. “I’ll… Uh… go get the door,” he says, and clears his throat quietly. He walks out into the hallway and we can hear muffled conversation. Dad walks back in with a beautiful girl and I can’t help dropping my mouth open in shock. She has hair like gold and eyes like rubies and wears clothes of the highest fashion. Dad clears his throat again and calls across the hall, “Umm… This is the high crown princess of England. Uh… she has decided to join us *clears throat* for dinner.”
 

  “A princess eh? We’ll see about that!” says mom darkly, looking suspiciously at the princess of England. The high crown princess sits down and starts to eat. I can’t help it. I am brought into even more awe as I watch how she stabs the food delicately with her fork and gently shoves the food into her mouth to chew ravenously on the previous contents of her fork. The high crown princess looks up and gives what I believe beyond hope to be a flirtatious smile. I regain my senses and shove what remains on my plate into my mouth to hide my embarrassment.

  
  When we finish with dinner Mother walks her down the hall, interrogating her as they walk out of sight. I feel fearful as I walk to my own bedchamber. What if she doesn’t pass the test? She is so beautiful that I could not bear it if she were not to be my bride.
 

All night I can barely sleep. Nightmares assault me with images of mother chasing the high crown princess of England away into a storm, and of my father shaking his head as another imposter princess is chased away.

  Eventually the next morning comes. I grab my proposal ring and walk stiffly to breakfast. I barely pay attention to what I’m eating, shoveling food into my mouth, and waiting for the high crown princess to arrive. Minutes feel like hours and I start to sweat in anticipation.
 

  Finally the high crown princess enters the dining hall and flashes me another smile. She sits down and a long awkward moment passes. “Soooo… How did you sleep?” Mother asks tersely. Before I can cry out for Mother to let her stay, the high crown princess answers, “terrible.”
 

  It takes a moment for me to realize what she said. I jump in joy. She passed the test. My parents are dancing and yelling in celebration. I run over to the princess, kneel down on one knee and ask for her hand in marriage. I can tell I’m going to have a long, happy life.